90 year old female patient: Careful with my foot, I bumped it this morning.
Me: What did you bump it on?
Patient: The little bitch’s dresser.
Me: Oh! Is that what we’re calling your roommate now??
Patient: Well she calls me worse! She calls me bitch all the time! But the other day I told her, “You better not call me bitch one more time, or you’ll be sorry!”
Patient: I want to take a Brut sponge bath.
Me: Okay, let’s do it.
Patient: Now just be careful because once I do this, you may not be able to control yourself.
Me: Thanks for the warning…
*Patient fills sink with water + half a bottle of Brut cologne, then uses the water/brut to take a sponge bath*
Me: Wow, you weren’t kidding! Oh man, that is some seriously strong stuff!
Patient: I’ll have my secretary send you a letter apologizing for the effect on your feminine emotions.
Very tangential 88 year old male patient: I’m going to move to one of those assisted living places.
Me: That’s great, which one?
Patient: Maybe Ida Culver or Hearthstone or Horizon House or University House or-
Me: Wow, you have a lot of choices!
Patient: Ida Culver has a garage with stairs so I can go up the stairs and pay my bills.
Me: Ah, okkkkaaaay….
Patient: My daughter is picking the place for me because she lives in a group home (this is not true).
Me: Well she’ll pick a good one then.
Patient: She lives in a group home because she has the same problem as me. That is she’s….uh…..well….she’s…what is it? She’s a lesbian.
Nurse: I need to scan your bladder (starts abruptly ultrasound-ing patient’s bladder while patient lays in bed)
Confused 94 year old male patient: What is she doing?
Me: She’s going to scan your bladder with an ultrasound machine to see if you are retaining urine.
Patient: (pushing nurse and ultrasound away) I don’t shave down there!
Me: No, she’s not shaving you, she’s doing an ultrasound to see inside your bladder.
Patient: This is crazy, I don’t shave there. Stop! I don’t want to shave down there!
Me: It’s okay, its not a razor, it’s an ultr-
Patient: (flailing and shoving) I don’t want to be shaved!
Me: Hold my hands okay? (patient complies) It’s almost over, let’s not even think about it, it’s just some silly thing they need to do.
Patient: Well, ok. You have such pretty teeth.
Me: Thanks!
Nurse: All done.
*A few hours after fitting a patient for a new wheelchair… which was superior to his old one in every way EXCEPT for the absence of anti-tippers (which his previous wheelchair had)*
Me: Hey there! How’s the new wheelchair treating you?
Patient: It’s great. I’ve been trying to tip it over all day and no luck!
Elderly patient with dementia: Can I write your name on this paper? I want to show my husband and I won’t remember otherwise.
Me: Sure, no problem. Oh looks like you wrote your other therapist’s name already. (“Tina = therapist”)
Patient: Oh! Will you look at that….tsk….I wrote Tina the rapist!
*Alece and patient lock eyes then giggle hysterically*
Patient: Well don’t tell her I did that!
Me: Okay, stand up.
(99 year old) Patient: I don’t want to.
Me: Yes come on, you can do it, stand up.
*Patient glares*
Me: Whew, that was a mother look if I’ve ever seen one! I bet your kids know that look pretty well!
Patient: Don’t you tell me what to do!
Me: Obviously not.
Patient: You’re fired!
Me: But then who will help you get better so you can go back home?
Patient: Oh I’ll find some nut out there in the hall who will be willing to do it.
*Next day*
Patient: Quit making me work! You’re fired!
Me: You said that yesterday but didn’t follow through; I think you are making empty threats….
Patient: Oh that’s right, I need to get on the ball!
Me: Ok, I’ll push you back to your room. Let’s go the long way- I need to maximize my time with you before you fire me.
Patient: Well it won’t be long, your time is coming.
*Playing catch with a medicine ball*
Female Patient: Look at the underside of my arm when I throw the ball! It’s flopping all around like….like….like a scrotum!
Me: Today is one of your designated shower days, do you want to take a shower this morning?
Confused Patient: What’s this about?
Me: It’s your shower day- that means we can do a shower for occupational therapy, just like we did a few days ago.
Confused Patient: That sounds good.
Me: Ok, the shower room is all ready, let’s pick out some clothes then go do the shower.
Confused Patient: What are we doing?
Me: Taking a shower.
Confused Patient: Ok, but are YOU showering ME, or am I showering YOU?
Me: You’re showering you, and I’ll be there to help if you need it.
Confused Patient: If you say so.
*Playing catch with 90 year old man*
Me: Every time you catch the ball you have to name an animal. So go ahead, throw me the ball.
*Patient throws me the ball*
Me: Zebra. Your turn.
*Ball thrown to patient*
Patient: My mother-in-law!