Alece Overload

Me: *picking up some 2 lbs weights* Okay so toda-
Patient: We’re lifting weights? Just what I wanted to do today! Boy this is the high peak of living isn’t it??
Me: Yeah okay, but here’s why- we’re going to do it without your oxygen on and see how your body handl-
Patient: I get it I get it, I’m going to lift these weights without oxygen and you’ll see if I expire and die on the floor.
Me: Well, not quite. I’ll be monitoring your oxygen levels and we’ll see how-
Patient: Ok ok, let’s do it. *Counting bicep curl reps* one…two…three…gonna die…five…six…probably gonna die…eight…nine…

Doctor 1: Um…I have a note saying that the family requests their mom be given “gin soaked raisins” to ease her leg pain. Have you ever heard of that remedy?
Doctor 2: I’ve heard of people soaking raisins in all sorts of shit. I think people figure if something tastes bad enough, it must be good for them.
Doctor 1: Well, maybe it’s supposed to relax her?
Doctor 2: Maybe, but on the evidence scale that’s….. low.

Skin nurse: I need to see you later, in your room.
Patient: (whisper to me) She wants to see my butt.
Me: Ah, okay.
Patient: Everyone wants to see my butt here. I’m going to start charging. Twenty five dollars! My butt is not for everyone.

Me: What are you reading?
Patient: Ohhh Good Housekeeping, *sarcastic tone*, it’s my bible.
Me: Is that so?
Patient: Yeah, it’s just like a bible, every word in it makes me want to vomit.
Me: Why don’t you read that instead *indicating National Geographic magazine*?
Patient: I already read that one.
Me: Did you read about the 4 million year old woman?
Patient: Yes. She could have used some of these Good Housekeeping tips.

Me: Here, I got you this sweater from the loaner closet.
*Patient puts on sweater; tugs at sleeves*
Me: Hmm, yeah it’s kind of short.
Patient: I have a dirty joke!!!
Me: Okkkkk…..
Patient: That’s what he said!

*Patient takes off too-small sweater*
Me: Here’s a different shirt to try; it’s pretty light weight though.
Patient: That’s okay, I’m a hot blooded kitten!

(Female patient and I in bathroom)

Me: Someone’s knocking on the door
Patient: Who is it?
Nurse Steven: (peeking in) I have her meds
Me: It’s your nurse- he has some pills for you
Patient: (getting off toilet) Well come in
Steven: (half in doorway) I have your pills, here you go
Patient: (pulling up pants) You know, I’m going to write a book about this place
Steven: Oh yeah?
Patient: Yeah! And I’m going to write, “And then Steeevvveeennn came into my baaaathrooooom” (wiggling hips)

Me: I want you to take off your pants.
Patient: Boy, it’s been awhile since I’ve heard that!

Patient: Now that I see your face, I need to go to the bathroom.

After helping a patient in the bathroom:

Patient: What’s your husband’s name?
Me: “John”.
Patient: John…like a “Dear John” letter.
Me: Yeah.
Patient: “Dear John, today I wiped an old lady’s butt”.

Patient: Did you wash your hair today?
Me: I washed it last nite.
Patient: Oh okay- it’s really frizzy today.
Me: Gee thanks.